Cracked Mask

For as long as I can remember I have forced myself to change who I am. I mirror the personalities of others to the point I have lost my individuality. I don't know who I am anymore. However, that isn't what truly scares me. What scares me is that no one has ever seen past the mask I have created. No one has taken a second look into my eyes or questioned my reasoning. I met my boyfriend January 16, 2010. He saw me when no one else has. He helped me through my problems and was with me every step of the way through my recovery. I found a piece of myself because of him. I found my confidence to tell the world who I am and the Hell I have put myself through to make sure those around me are happy.

I have pushed my issues to the side just so that others don't worry. I pretend to be strong when in reality I am weak. Most of the time, when people are speaking to me, my thoughts are elsewhere or I am thinking to myself, "I don't care." I have put myself down and killed my soul slowly just to make others feel good about themselves. I refuse to do this anymore. I will stand up for myself. I will not put up with this ignorance of a friend's mental stability. I have had thoughts of getting into an accident and dying. I have thought about what it would be like to cut. But I didn't do it. What stopped me and what saved me from those thoughts are my boyfriend, my love, and what he would say, how he would react, and how I am stronger than that.

I am a coward. I was a coward. I'm done with it. I'm done pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm not loud. I'm not quiet either. I don't know all the answers. I need someone to lean on too. And for a while, before I met my boyfriend, I had no one. Everyone turned to me and I gave them bullshit advice just to help them through the day or the week. It was good advice though. Most of it, I should take too. But I'm too proud for that. "I don't have problems." "I can handle it by myself." These are the lies I have told myself since I was in 4th grade. I'm not that strong. I have kept to myself so that I wouldn't burden those around me. But you know what? Fuck it all. I am at my limit.

I will walk into school Monday morning and tell myself that that day will be different. I won't force a smile. I won't pretend to be someone I'm not or to feel something I don't. This is my life. This is who I am. And if they don't like it, they can kiss my ass. I will go to school and do well for no one but me. To my friends that have a DeviantArt and read this, I hope you know that this wasn't brought on by any of you. I have been messed up for a long time. Because of something that happened before 4th grade, I have forced myself to forget and change. I chose to kill myself to keep others happy. I'm not doing it anymore. I CHOOSE to tear this mask away and be myself. The girl I am with my love and the girl I have always been; I just have to remember who she is without the help of my boyfriend.

Thank you Austin, my one and only love. You believed in me and gave me the strength to tell everyone the truth. You chipped the mask. Now I'm tearing it down.